My Resume to The Ellen Show pt. 2

• My dad was a blacksmith. We would have gotten along better, but he always had an axe to grind.
• I care about the environment, but tree sitters are really going out on a limb.
• If my options were hell or high water, I’d take the problem solved by floating on something.
• I thought I smelled something fishy, but it turned out to be a red herring.
• I feel like a million dollars: dirty, wrinkled, and covered with cocaine.
• Nobody likes being wrong. The problem with politicians is that they can do something about it.
• I know hardship, I once had to eat nothing but food for three weeks.
• I was once so broke that I only had three dollars in my checking account. I found two more dollars in my pocket, deposited them, and wrote a check for a pack of cigarettes. It’s that kind of thinking that got me a pack of cigarettes.
• I used to know a guy who had synesthesia, but he said he couldn’t talk with me anymore because my voice tasted too purple.
• One of my friends told me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.