Microwave popcorn is stressful

I hate making microwave popcorn. The packages are absolutely fucking plastered with instructions…instructions with a lot of exclamation points. This side up! Open from this end! Overcooking may cause scorching! Caution! Hot! Do not use the popcorn setting on your microwave! Wait, what the shit? Who invented this useless “popcorn” setting that popcorn manufacturers don’t even want us to use? Shit, people who make microwaves suck at making microwaves. And while I’m on the subject of microwave manufacturer incompetence, can someone please get me a mute button so my 3 AM French bread pizza doesn’t wake up the whole goddamn house – if you hadn’t noticed, the sound of a microwave beeping is awfully similar to the sound of a fuckin’ alarm clock.

But mostly it’s the “cook until there are one to two seconds between pops” bit that kills me. I stand in front of the microwave practicing my ability to notice the difference between one to two seconds and one to three seconds. What if there are two pops in rapid succession, no pops for three seconds, and then two more rapid pops? What if there’s a false stop – a four second gap and then a flurry of pops? What if I pull out the bag and half of it is still seeds? Or they’re all burnt to oblivion?

The stress of the whole thing tarnishes the actual enjoyment of the stupid shitty popcorn.