My Resume to The Ellen Show

• I ran into traffic on the way to work, so I decided to explore other avenues.
• I took a trip to the capitol of i. It was you.
• A blog is a website. A web log is spider poop.
• Four pairs of identical twins jumped me once. I said, “What are you, some kind of Doppelgäng?”
• I spill drinks whether I’m drunk or sober. The difference being that when I’m sober, they tend to spill down my throat.
• The grass is always greener when you aren’t color blind.
• I was getting drunk, and then, and that’s when I woke up.
• I always laugh at my own jokes, but it’s okay, I didn’t write them.
• My friend passed me a pamphlet that told me that God loves me. What is this, Junior High?
• I want to commit suicide by jumping off an overpass, so that for once traffic will be stuck in me.
• I was smoking a cigarette and my friend told me it would kill me. I smoked it faster so it didn’t have the chance.
• I tried to be a comedian, but everyone just laughed at me.

Best consumed with help from www.instantrimshot.com. Thanks to Chris for the title of this post.