My resume to TV cont. – more dumb jokes

Above: My windshield wiper broke while I was driving, so I decided to just let the rain wash itself away.

Legislation in Washington DC has allowed same-sex couples to apply for marriage licenses. In related news, Republican congressmen are now sighing slightly more audibly when looking at their wives.

Apparently an Atheist group at a Texas university is giving away free porn in exchange for bibles, to illustrate that the bible contains objectionable material. A Christian group at the school is unphased, stating, “We’ve given away more free bibles in the last few days than ever before!”

I met a guy who said he wanted to be both President and Chief Justice of the United States. I said, “What are you, Taft?”

That joke was historical.

At a job interview I was asked if I was a strong negotiator. I told them I had no experience or other qualifications, so if they hired me I must be an effing expert.

Women are always complaining when I walk up behind them and massage their shoulders. I guess I’m a massagynist.

I once dated a woman who still subscribed to “Seventeen.” She had too many issues for me.

Think playing string instruments is hard? Try string theory instruments. Ever play a C sharp in the 10th dimension?

My Resume to The Ellen Show pt. 2

• My dad was a blacksmith. We would have gotten along better, but he always had an axe to grind.
• I care about the environment, but tree sitters are really going out on a limb.
• If my options were hell or high water, I’d take the problem solved by floating on something.
• I thought I smelled something fishy, but it turned out to be a red herring.
• I feel like a million dollars: dirty, wrinkled, and covered with cocaine.
• Nobody likes being wrong. The problem with politicians is that they can do something about it.
• I know hardship, I once had to eat nothing but food for three weeks.
• I was once so broke that I only had three dollars in my checking account. I found two more dollars in my pocket, deposited them, and wrote a check for a pack of cigarettes. It’s that kind of thinking that got me a pack of cigarettes.
• I used to know a guy who had synesthesia, but he said he couldn’t talk with me anymore because my voice tasted too purple.
• One of my friends told me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.

My Resume to The Ellen Show

• I ran into traffic on the way to work, so I decided to explore other avenues.
• I took a trip to the capitol of i. It was you.
• A blog is a website. A web log is spider poop.
• Four pairs of identical twins jumped me once. I said, “What are you, some kind of Doppelgäng?”
• I spill drinks whether I’m drunk or sober. The difference being that when I’m sober, they tend to spill down my throat.
• The grass is always greener when you aren’t color blind.
• I was getting drunk, and then, and that’s when I woke up.
• I always laugh at my own jokes, but it’s okay, I didn’t write them.
• My friend passed me a pamphlet that told me that God loves me. What is this, Junior High?
• I want to commit suicide by jumping off an overpass, so that for once traffic will be stuck in me.
• I was smoking a cigarette and my friend told me it would kill me. I smoked it faster so it didn’t have the chance.
• I tried to be a comedian, but everyone just laughed at me.

Best consumed with help from www.instantrimshot.com. Thanks to Chris for the title of this post.