Legislation in Washington DC has allowed same-sex couples to apply for marriage licenses. In related news, Republican congressmen are now sighing slightly more audibly when looking at their wives.

This is true – an alcoholic chimpanzee was recently sent to rehab for drinking and smoking too much. It’s very sad, and we all wish the former president a speedy recovery.

Apparently an Atheist group at a Texas university is giving away free porn in exchange for bibles, to illustrate that the bible contains objectionable material. A Christian group at the school is unphased, stating, “We’ve given away more free bibles in the last few days than ever before!”

I met a guy who said he wanted to be both President and Chief Justice of the United States. I said, “What are you, Taft?”

That joke was historical.

At a job interview I was asked if I was a strong negotiator. I told them I had no experience or other qualifications, so if they hired me I must be an effing expert.

Women are always complaining when I walk up behind them and massage their shoulders. I guess I’m a massagynist.

I once dated a woman who still subscribed to “Seventeen.” She had too many issues for me.

Think playing string instruments is hard? Try string theory instruments. Ever play a C sharp in the 10th dimension?

Facebooking, tweeting, youtubing, strategizing, editorializing, illustrating, administrating, redditing, contacting support, offering support, sending prizes, making Facebook mad at me, making spreadsheets, writing announcements, SEOing, SEMing, SMMing, direct marketing, viral marketing, brand identifying, pinging simplex synergizers and finding grassroots gardeners with suitable semantic web advertude and blogospheric influence. I need a beer.

• Trav_is_Foster Just saying Romney/Palin 2012 #losefollowerstuesday
• chinspired It’s called the WHITE house for a reason America. #losefollowerstuesday
• @b_e_loo @GamesRadar doesn’t know what they’re talking about; no one should play #Okami. #LoseFollowersTuesday.
• Lalikat I think I shall stop checking twitter until #losefollowerstuesday is over. Those that are participating seem to be extraordinarily unfunny.
• STDelicious #losefollowerstuesday Northern Ireland is so poor, they can’t even afford foreign terrorists.
• Brelston The only movie trilogy I care about is Three Ninjas #losefollowerstuesday #ohwaittherearefour
• GeminiAce Best thing about the homeless. They don’t make you use a condom. #losefollowerstuesday
• CAntista Did you know Vietnam’s primary export is still the American homeless? #losefollowerstuesday
• CAntista I would respect George Carlin more if he hadn’t stolen so many jokes from Carlos Mencia #losefollowerstuesday
• CAntista Not only will I remain unaware of Breast Cancer, I refuse to acknowledge its existence #losefollowerstuesday
• GamesRadarFan Arrested Development being canceled was the best thing to happen to TV since Glenn Beck! #losefollowerstuesday
• Tygerclaws So get this. I woke up today and found this piece of hair in my urethra. I pulled and pulled, but it was a long hair.. #losefollowerstuesday

I social media’d.

• Ratatat – Seventeen Years (MP3) (Blahg)
• Daft Punk – Robot Rock (Soulwax Remix) (MP3) (Blahg)
• 1,2,3 – Confetti (MP3) (Blahg)
• NORA – Quiet (MP3) (Blahg)
• The Rapture – Echoes (MP3) aka the opening to…

…the show Misfits. Worth a watch – find it on your local nefarious webs!

I was having some boozi with a friend a few weeks ago, and we were both itching for a smoke, but we had to go one at a time so we wouldn’t lose our prime bar seating. And he said…

“Do you mind if I just…go first?”

TITS! He put me in a verbal headlock with the most powerful question in the English language: “Do you mind?” This lead to a Seinfeldian discussion about the phrase, like we do, and this is what I’ve now determined:

If you deny the request which follows a “do you mind,” you’re implying that the asker is being unreasonable. Thus the askee is forced to decide if the interaction will be pleasant or confrontational, and this dilemma can crush the strongest wills. There is a counter, if you have the balls, and that is another “do you mind.” You can prefix it with an “actually” for added impact.

“Actually, do you mind if I go first?”

It didn’t work.

Anyway, I do have a point, and that is that signage could benefit from this observation. Instead of our office’s flaccid “Please! Keep the kitchen clean,” which basically says, “Whatever, fuck this shit up,” the sign should read, “Do you mind keeping the kitchen clean? Thanks champ.” That’s a compelling sign. That sign says, “Damn straight you’re keeping this kitchen clean, you filthy bastard.”

By the way, do you mind leaving a comment on this post? Thanks pal.

• My dad was a blacksmith. We would have gotten along better, but he always had an axe to grind.
• I care about the environment, but tree sitters are really going out on a limb.
• If my options were hell or high water, I’d take the problem solved by floating on something.
• I thought I smelled something fishy, but it turned out to be a red herring.
• I feel like a million dollars: dirty, wrinkled, and covered with cocaine.
• Nobody likes being wrong. The problem with politicians is that they can do something about it.
• I know hardship, I once had to eat nothing but food for three weeks.
• I was once so broke that I only had three dollars in my checking account. I found two more dollars in my pocket, deposited them, and wrote a check for a pack of cigarettes. It’s that kind of thinking that got me a pack of cigarettes.
• I used to know a guy who had synesthesia, but he said he couldn’t talk with me anymore because my voice tasted too purple.
• One of my friends told me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.

• I ran into traffic on the way to work, so I decided to explore other avenues.
• I took a trip to the capitol of i. It was you.
• A blog is a website. A web log is spider poop.
• Four pairs of identical twins jumped me once. I said, “What are you, some kind of Doppelgäng?”
• I spill drinks whether I’m drunk or sober. The difference being that when I’m sober, they tend to spill down my throat.
• The grass is always greener when you aren’t color blind.
• I was getting drunk, and then, and that’s when I woke up.
• I always laugh at my own jokes, but it’s okay, I didn’t write them.
• My friend passed me a pamphlet that told me that God loves me. What is this, Junior High?
• I want to commit suicide by jumping off an overpass, so that for once traffic will be stuck in me.
• I was smoking a cigarette and my friend told me it would kill me. I smoked it faster so it didn’t have the chance.
• I tried to be a comedian, but everyone just laughed at me.

Best consumed with help from www.instantrimshot.com. Thanks to Chris for the title of this post.

Did you know? The headline of this post is redundant! Now Has Several Musical Tunes.

Mumford and Sons – Little Lion Man
(Listen) (Download)

Keedz – Stand On The Word
(Listen) (Download)

Barretso – Midnight Walk
(Listen) (Download)

The Whitest Boy Alive – Gravity
(Listen) (Download)

Vampire Weekend – The Kids Don’t Stand a Chance (Chromeo Remix)
(Listen) (Download)

RT @SarahPalinUSA: DERP!