Do you mind?

I was having some boozi with a friend a few weeks ago, and we were both itching for a smoke, but we had to go one at a time so we wouldn’t lose our prime bar seating. And he said…

“Do you mind if I just…go first?”

TITS! He put me in a verbal headlock with the most powerful question in the English language: “Do you mind?” This lead to a Seinfeldian discussion about the phrase, like we do, and this is what I’ve now determined:

If you deny the request which follows a “do you mind,” you’re implying that the asker is being unreasonable. Thus the askee is forced to decide if the interaction will be pleasant or confrontational, and this dilemma can crush the strongest wills. There is a counter, if you have the balls, and that is another “do you mind.” You can prefix it with an “actually” for added impact.

“Actually, do you mind if I go first?”

It didn’t work.

Anyway, I do have a point, and that is that signage could benefit from this observation. Instead of our office’s flaccid “Please! Keep the kitchen clean,” which basically says, “Whatever, fuck this shit up,” the sign should read, “Do you mind keeping the kitchen clean? Thanks champ.” That’s a compelling sign. That sign says, “Damn straight you’re keeping this kitchen clean, you filthy bastard.”

By the way, do you mind leaving a comment on this post? Thanks pal.